Creating a soulful year, week 10: treating the body as sacred

Wow, I’m behind! Here’s a sum up of last week and an intro to this week:

After having a rather bad food reaction the other day (as in having to pull off the freeway and use a sketch gas station bathroom and contemplate the all important to puke or not to puke question), I decided to focus this week on putting good things in my body.

Of course I had to have my birthday hot chocolate first 😀

Focusing on the physical is a new thing for me the past few years. For the longest time I didn’t view it as important. I was much more focused on the philosophical, mental, emotional, and spiritual worlds. The thing is, I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive.

I have slowly (and with much resistance along the way) come to realize that the physical is important as well, and how we treat our bodies and the physical world around us is intertwined with living a loving life.

It’s tricky when the view of the body is so warped in our society. There are so many extremes, either everything is over sexualized, or the body is viewed as “dirty” or “base,” or it is taken for granted as not important.

People are taught that they “need” the right clothing, shoes, hair, make up, weight, height…they are also not given accurate information about nutrition and self care. Access to healthy foods is ridiculous (don’t even get me started on big business, the FDA, and farm subsidies!), and misinformation abounds (neon sugar o’s anyone? It has vitamins and minerals sprayed on, that makes it healthy! Have it with a side of ketchup so you can make sure and get your veggies!)

This all creates a perfect storm of poor health and negative body image that feeds right into a variety of mental, emotional, and spiritual issues.

As an aside, I am far from perfect. I work hard to have healthy food for myself and my family, but I still do indulge my snacky habits (bunny crackers anyone? Chocolate? Why, yes please!)

I’ve been thinking a lot about that concept of the body being a temple. I like that idea. Home is a concept that is really important to me. Home is that idea of a safe space where you create a retreat to contemplate, recharge, and re energize. So if your body is the home of your spirit, wouldn’t it make sense to, shall we say, tend the garden? Do some dusting? Keep it bright and fresh so that your spirit is free to focus on what it needs to focus on?

So what to do? I really believe it starts with taking that step of finding your self worth and choosing to make steps to care for yourself with love, respect, and kindness (it all comes back to love again). I think that step is so very important. Once you are strong in your self worth, then you can reach outwards from your solid foundation to do some cultivating out in the world.

Timing of this week of focusing on the physical was interesting. This petition came out this week. I encourage you to take a look and sign. Getting harmful food (that’s banned in other countries!) out of our food system would be at least one step in the right direction. At least we could take actual proven carcinogens out of our food…

Anywho, it’s been a busy but good week. Lots of smiles:

Oof. I’m sleepy and need to get some stuff done before kiddo wakes up from her nap. This week I think I am going to use last week as inspiration and focus on the concept of home. Spring is coming and I have some nesting to do! 🙂

Trust

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this before, but I am a full fledged (though recovering) worrier.

As a kid I would worry about things like, what if I eat two different foods and they mix in my stomach and make a poison?

I thought about death, and non-existence, and the unknown a lot. Usually at night (you know, the least jumpy part of the day, right?). I believed in God, but part of me kept on wondering what if? What if this is all there is? What if when we die we just cease to exist? What if there is no point? I’d stare into the chasm of the unknown, and then retreat to Calvin and Hobbes in an attempt to distract my mind.

This went on for quite some time, and then one day I just looked straight into that unknown and humored it. Okay, I thought to myself, let’s just say there is nothing else and when we die we just cease to exist. What does that change? What does that mean?

I looked straight at those questions, and do you know what conclusion I came to? It doesn’t change anything. I still want to live a good life and be a good person. If we do cease to exist, there’s nothing I can do to change that, so why spend so much energy worrying about it?

There was quite a bit of freedom in having that conversation and letting go of the worry. It’s a lesson I’ve worked to bring with me to other areas of my life. I feel it’s important to be able to ask the hard questions and confront the hard topics rather than avoid them because the unknown is scary.

I do want to clarify that I believe our existence goes well beyond the physical realm and I view us as spiritual beings. I think I’ll need to post about that at some point…

Anywho…so what brought this all up? This week’s soulful year focus is on living in the present, why am I reminiscing about the past?

Today, and throughout this week, I have found myself continually distracted from being in the here and now. My mind keeps flitting around trying to figure out everything in my life (because that’s doable right?) from how to be supermom, to how I want to create and morph my career, to how to solve silly financial issues, to how to fix the world (might as well throw that one on there).

As I was folding laundry, I was thinking to myself, how can I be present now (laundry folding is prime mind wandering time!)? And then it hit me: trust.

Really? Just that one word to quash all the distraction?

Yep. It goes back to facing all that distraction, all that worry, and asking, does it ultimately matter? And you know what, in the big scheme of things, no, no it doesn’t, so rather then worry, I need to trust it’ll be okay and focus on today.

If I don’t achieve supermom status, does that change that I am still going to live my life with love and compassion and raise my daughter with love and compassion? Nope. If I don’t have my 30 year career plan laid out right now, is that going to change that I am going to work to live my life with love and compassion and work to have that integrated with a career? Nope. (are you sensing a trend?) If I don’t figure out all our financial issues right now, in my head, as I fold this shirt, will that change me working to live with love and to make decisions in as conscious of a manner as possible? Nope. If I don’t figure out how to fix the world by the time I finish stuffing these cloth diapers, will I stop trying to live a life of love and compassion. Nope.

So, focusing on living in the now is teaching me to trust that it’s going to be okay and that I can let go of the worrying.

Does that mean I no longer need to make or pursue goals? Absolutely not. The trick is finding that balance. Goals are important. They can help prevent stagnation and apathy. The problem arises when our minds are constantly fixated on the details of the future rather than providing full presence to the hear and now.

Sheesh. Who knew it would be so tricky to just let go and live in the present? I guess that’s why there are so many philosophies and spiritual practices that speak of how important it is :D. Hopefully my ramble made some sort if sense 🙂

And now I really should be sleeping, so I’ll leave you with a picture of my little puddle stomper. She reminds me frequently about the beauty of living in the present.

❤

Creating a soulful year: week 3, big decisions

I’m enjoying this little thrown together journey so far.  Week two’s goal of being more mindful of listening went really well, and I discovered quite a bit happens in the quiet moments if I give them more space.

I realized that I have fallen into the habit of having a constant stream of language tumbling out of my mouth.  A lot of this is from wanting to expose my daughter to language/teach her about the world/etc. etc., but somewhere along the way, I forgot to turn off the faucet.  It’s definitely going to take much more than a week to retrain myself to leave space before speaking, and to work on speaking for the sake of adding value to a situation rather than just talking to talk (if that makes any sense at all).

So why is it almost the end of week 3 and I haven’t posted yet? Want to come help me muddle through a dilemma?

Well, not last Friday, but the Friday before, my husband and I went on a date to celebrate our anniversary.

On this date, he brought up the topic of my business.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I am also a therapist, and I have a small (incredibly small) private practice.  I opened it when I graduated with my masters, and it’s tended to always be on the side.  At first this was because I had a full time job as well, but, the last year and a half, it’s been on the side because I spend the majority of the time as a stay at home mom.

Now that you’re up to speed, my husband brought up closing down my practice.  He brought it up not in a “hey, why don’t you shut down your business” sort of way, but rather in a “you know it’s okay if you decide to shut down your business, right?” sort of way.

This set off all sorts of things in my brain.  My practice is something that I’ve been fairly conflicted about for a while now.  I’ll start off by saying I really enjoy the people that I work with, and I feel genuinely honored to be trusted to hold a space while they work on their healing.

That being said…I often get the feeling that the work doesn’t “fit”…

Ack.  That’s hard to type “out loud.”  The inklings started when I was in grad school, but at that point, I was so far in, I just shoved the doubts down and plowed ahead (like any good therapist, right?  Hee hee).

I feel like there’s great value in therapy and mental health treatment…AND…I also feel like there’s got to be a different way…AND…I want out of the traditional route.

Most careers are going to have pieces you disagree with, but how do you sort out when those pieces are just things to deal with and when those pieces are deal breakers?

Some of my issues:

1) the DSM…there’s just so much about it that bothers me, I won’t completely get into it, maybe the quickest way to convey why it irks me would be to say that I’m not a fan of labeling (unless it’s with fun colored post it notes and sharpie doodles)

2) the lack of access…so many people can not access quality mental health care, our health insurance system is a joke, and I don’t think that working on your well being should have to be so stigmatizing and difficult.

3) the clinical relationship…this one I think is essential to have in place, but I’ve realized that I want to work with people in a different, more multi-layered way.

4) the lack of community…I also think the one on one aspect is important, but I also long for somehow creating more of a community based approach.  I feel that the more support there is, the more sustainable positive change can be.

I have all sorts of ideas about creating a new approach…but a few things have been stopping me.

1) this one’s the kicker…student loans.  Oh good gracious…they are sooo much, and, even though I made about $500 total after expenses last year on my business (e.g. not helpful for paying off said student loans, yep, $500 for a years worth of sessions…), I feel like since there is earning potential there, I need to keep it going, heck, this was the first year I made a profit at all! 😀

2) really there is no two, it comes down to stupid money again…gah!  Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for where I’m at in life and for what I have.  Even though things are tight (hence the duck tape still on the car and the sporadically working furnace, which considering the breeze I’m feeling…I’m thinking it’s on the fritz again), we make it work, and I am beyond lucky that I get to stay home with my daughter.

I hate saying this, but I struggle so much to put equal value on the work I do at home.  We are taught all our lives by society that worth is in money (even though that’s not true at all).  But we are surrounded by messages every day saying that if the work that you are doing is not bringing in financial help, then it is not equal, it is not as valid.

I have played so many mind games with myself over this.  I was so proud of myself when I got to the point in my life where I was in financial control of all my needs.  Even when I moved in with my partner before we were married, I paid him half of his mortgage every month because I wanted that feeling of independence, self sufficiency, and value…So, fast forward to being 9+ months pregnant and leaving my work and being essentially jobless for the first time since high school, well, it’s been a bit of an adjustment.

But you know what?  Fuck it.  I know there is value in what I do.  Part of what I want to do in this career shift is to stand up against our warped value system.  It’s not right that so many people work so hard for so little while others have more than they could ever need or use.  It’s not right that people miss out on their own kids growing up.  It’s not right that people have to jump through so many hoops in an effort to feel okay about where they’re at in the world.  Obviously things are not going to change through our political system…so we have to do it.

Woah, tangent much?

In an effort to not spin in circles (or go on too many more tangents…I really do need to sleep at some point), I’ve decided on making some compromises.  I’m not shutting down the practice completely, though I’m likely not going to take anyone new on.  I’m going to get rid of my office (that’s the biggest money sucker) so I won’t have the rent expense anymore (just looked at my lease, it’s up at the end of February…that’s a lot sooner than I thought…eek)

I’m going to keep the clients I’m currently working with until they’re in a place where they can move on…it’ll just be a matter of finagling a temporary space for once a week.

I’m determined to stay mindful of the wonderful value and opportunity inherent in spending my days with this amazingly, brilliant little bundle of light:

And, I’m also determined to get my butt moving on creating and growing my new career…not sure what to call it…sort of an occupy mental health…a building of a safe space where people can cultivate their self worth and compassion and form a community willing to go out into the world and reclaim this earth as a sacred space of love, non violence, inspiration, and life.  Lofty goal?  Probably, but though there are many people capable of truly horrific acts, there are just as many people capable of transformative love.  So really, I’m banking on the awesomeness of you all out there to help me make this happen.

Thanks for letting me ramble your eyes off…it’s been a week of contemplating and reflection…I have a feeling that week four of this soulful year will involve a bit of action.  You’ll have to wait until Tuesday to find out (and for me to figure it out!  Ha!) 😀

 

Creating a soulful year: week 2, listening more deeply

I meant to write and post this last night, but I fell asleep 😀

(putting ducks in a row 😀 )

So last week I embarked on my quest to create a soulful year. My focus for the first week was health. I realized a few things throughout…

1) “health” is way too broad of a topic

And

2) I spend too much time thinking about health. Ha!

Okay, so I should probably explain myself.

I have made a lot of changes over the last few years in regards to wellness in my life. Many of these changes have been food related.

Upon reflecting over the past week, I realized that, how do I put this, my focus on health has become unhealthy.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think it’s important to make healthy choices for you and your family. I’m still going to try and eat unprocessed and minimally processed food, but what needs changing is the quest for some nonexistent perfection. I’m going to stop beating myself up for indulging in moderation and, though I plan on maintaining and building my awareness of healthy and unhealthy food, I no longer am going to allow it to create such a negative focus. Yes, a lot of what is out there in our food system is terrible, and often even toxic, but focusing on that toxicity instead of all the yummy, safe, and healthy options that do exist just takes away from living life.

Timing was interesting. I had already been thinking about writing this post when this article popped into my inbox. Ah, serendipity.

Anywho, for week two, my focus is listening. My goal is to allow more space to really fully hear those around me. A lot can be learned from the quiet moments methinks.

Sorry for the poor quality shot, just got kiddo asleep for her nap, and i haven’t put her down in the crib yet, so it’s a dark room phone shot 😀 I wrote listen on my hand to remind myself throughout the week.  I think I need to write it again, it’s starting to wash off, hopefully it will become so ingrained I won’t need to write it eventually 😀

 

No words

I consider myself a pretty optimistic person. I think the glass is half full much of the time, but today, the glass is broken.

The tragedy that happened in Connecticut is fucked up. Period.

You can run through all the possible culprits trying to make sense of it. You can rage out trying to find someone or something to blame, somewhere to funnel the rage and despair. But nothing that’s done or said can possibly ever “fix” what’s happened.

So what do you do in the face of an unexplainable tragedy? How do you deal with the anger and fear that comes from an act so incomprehensible? How do you live with the sense of helplessness and lack of control?

Most importantly, we send love and light to all those in pain…

As a mom, I just can’t even begin to imagine the pain…so much lost…

…At times like this, even though throwing up our hands and saying fuck it seems appropriate,  I feel the need to recommit to living lives of compassion and love…

This means standing up and rejecting the culture of violence surrounding us…this means connecting with our humanity and reaching out to others…this means speaking a language of non-violence with everyone around us and ourselves…this means spreading the change and refusing to participate in destructive practices…

…it also means taking time to feel sorrow…

…a capacity for love brings with it a capacity for pain.

Hold those you love near, and send love and light through the universe…there are many souls who need it tonight.

Learning a language of non-violence

When you look in the mirror, what do you do?

Do you smile and move on, or…

Do you shudder and scrunch your face?

Do you suck in your gut? Fret over perceived imperfections?

Do you sigh? Do you frown?

Does disgust and self loathing ooze out of your pores?

Perhaps not that extreme (or maybe so), but I find, particularly with women, the way we view ourselves is incredibly harsh and destructive. (This article gives a fantastic portrayal of how these self depreciating actions affect our children and how essential it is for us to break the cycle). When my daughter looks at me, I want her to see a happy, confident, empowered woman. Our actions speak so loudly…if our children see us unhappy and negative about who we are, chances are, as they grow, they will learn that this is how to treat oneself.

It’s sad that we are constantly inundated with how we are somehow incomplete and in need of a multitude of products to “fix” us and mold us into some cookie cutter idea of beauty.

Wait, scratch that, I like cookie cutters. I think you probably get where I’m going though 🙂

When we constantly view ourselves as lacking and unattractive, we are being violent and judgmental with ourselves. How can we expect to be fully compassionate with others if we can’t even look at ourselves with kind eyes.

Honestly, I think we overemphasize physical beauty in this culture (or at least some warped version of it), but that doesn’t mean I can just pretend it doesn’t exist. I believe that the true physical beauty in everyone should be acknowledged, but in a balanced way (e.g. alongside the beauty of their spirit, their intelligence, their creativity, their compassion).

In doing that, I believe we need to redefine beauty and view ourselves nonviolently. With this newfound respect and love for ourselves, we need to care for ourselves in a non violent way. That means taking the important steps of nourishing our bodies with wholesome foods free of toxins, making space for joyful movement, giving ourselves time to relax and recenter, taking the time to connect with others, and working for healing and whole ness in our world.

We need to throw out the garbage that society tells us is beautiful and embrace the stories behind every wrinkle, every stretch mark. We need to revel in the uniqueness and expressiveness contained in hair that’s been kissed (or karate chopped) by the wind and clothing speckled with the remnants of an art project. We need to be gentle and accepting of ourselves so that we can embrace our light and spread that light and gentleness to all we encounter.

Hmm…it’s late and I could go on on this for a while, but rest is probably important now. What are your thoughts?

much love,

Heather

Why are some people so threatened by love?

Tuesday’s election was historic for many reasons.
I am proud to say that I live in Washington state where the people voted to approve Referendum 74, reaffirming the decision the legislature had already made earlier in the year, that same sex couples should have all the legal rights of marriage, just as any heterosexual couple.  We voted for love!
I am ecstatic that there appears to be a mounting surge of greater acceptance, compassion, and understanding among people…however, we still have far to go.  There is still so much hatred and bigotry out there.

Honestly, it’s sad to me that we had to vote on this at all.  I view it as a civil rights issue…and I believe that civil rights are just that, rights…groups that are in positions where they are targeted by others should be protected, not put up for a vote…I mean, how would it look if the ballot contained questions like, is it okay for people to follow Buddhism? or should Hawaiian’s be allowed to get driver’s licenses?  Could you even imagine the uproar?  The indignation?  I can’t even begin to know how insulting and dehumanizing having put to a vote your right to marry the one you love…

And the vote was sickeningly close.  It should have been an overwhelming landslide of positivity…but it was soooo close.

I find it sad that there are still so many people that feel that somehow, another person’s committed love is somehow a threat.

Fortunately, more and more people seem to realize that there is no threat.  Another person’s love is not going to somehow bring the downfall of civilization, quite the contrary, that love is what could ultimately save us all.  We have a choice at this point in time, as we always have choices in our lives, we can go down the road of divisiveness and hate, or we can come together to create a more loving and compassionate world.  I know which road I want to go down, what world I want to be there for my daughter and the people she chooses to love someday…what road will you choose?

practicing non violence

While chasing around the kiddo and unsuccessfully attempting to keep our house semi clean, one of my very favorite things to do is line up the shoes.

I know, I know, it’s weird, but every time I see them all together like that it just makes me so incredibly happy. Even now looking at that picture makes me want to giggle.

Happy sigh. Now on to other things:

Want a dose of inspiration? Check out this post on Swim Bike Mom about one very inspiring lady and her beautiful response to some rather caustic attacks.

Speaking of responses:

A good friend told me a story the other day that has had me reflecting quite a bit on the topic of responding compassionately when presented with hostility. Any identifying information has been removed.

The friend told me that a former youth who we had mutually worked with wanted her to pass on a message to me. They told her that they wanted to say that they were sorry for being such a complete @$#%%# to me. They told my former colleague that I had apparently been the most patient person they had ever met, and they had intentionally and repeatedly tried to get me to react angrily, which I never did. They said that they learned a lot from that.

I’m not sharing it to toot my own horn. I think many people in my position would have done the same. The reason I’m sharing is to emphasize that you never really know the full impact of your actions.

Responding from a position of love and non-violence is powerful.

Really, how mad can you get at someone who responds to you with genuine kindness and positive regard?

We never can fully know another person’s story. There could be numerous reasons for how they talk or act at any given time. Fortunately, we have a choice in our lives to act from a place of love.

Hearts and minds don’t tend to be changed in a positive way by anger, force, and manipulation. True, stable, and positive change comes from approaching others with authentic care and respect.

Don’t get me wrong, living this way is something I have to consciously work on every day, and often I don’t even get close.

I really want to teach my daughter the importance of living from a place of love, and I feel that I have to be able to not just speak it, but live it. I want her to see that example and keep her already very loving manner as her core.

I am continually baffled by how much she teaches me everyday.

Today she even “read” me a story

And then tried to fly 😀

❤